Down and Out

Feeling sort of down and out of sorts today. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm trying to do things that normally make me happy, but nothing really seems to capture my attention/make me satisfied. I guess I'm just feeling depressed and I'm tired of it. I wish I could find some joy...

I just want to work on getting better for Nicholas. I want to be the best mom I can be...he deserves it. I guess I'm doing the best I can, I'm trying to take things day by day. I am so thankful that he is in my life. From the way he just randomly says I love you, to the look and smile his eyes give when he's happy. This is such an exciting time in his development, he's learning so much and has so much to share. He is a bright and beautiful boy! He is such a blessing.

I'm really worried about Jay. He just seems so depressed, but unwilling to do anything to change the circumstances. I have had this conversation before, I just don't know what to do about it. I can't do this for him and I've been as supportive and encouraging as possible. I'm worried that he doesn't take care of himself...not eating well, smoking, no exercise. My mom and I were discussing the scary possiblity of his being at risk for diabetes. I wish he would take a look at things and try to make some positive changes. If not for himself, than for us! I kind of feel like a broken record on so much with him, with our relationship. When do I get off the merry go round? At the same time, he stuck by me through my tough times (and continues to stand by me) so shouldn't I be giving him a chance? However, the circumstances of our situations are different. Since day one, I've honestly been doing my best to learn how to live with my illness. I feel like he makes little to no effort. It's so FRUSTRATING! (or as Nicholas would say frust-er-ated)

I really do love him, I'm just not in love with him anymore. I don't feel attracted to him, I feel like he's more of a support/friend than a partner. I've been over and through this so many times, so much. I just wonder if this is what's dragging me down.

Frustrated

Feeling frustrated...another Sunday and it seems that nothing has changed. Jay slept in until 11:30 and then woke up just wanting to be alone. I understand that he needs his space...but when do I get down time? I wish he would pay more attention to Nicholas. Nicholas just wants him to play, but Jay doesn't seem to have patience to do so. This all is probably magnified because I'm having kind of a rough day today. Just feeling down, can't really pinpoint a reason why. It was hard going back to the hospital to get my meds. Just brought back the memories of what got me there. Hopefully I can get in to see Dr. Li soon so we can try to get all of this straightened out. I don't understand what's going on...how could my meds have been working well for so long and all of the sudden (ok, I guess not suddenly as this has been going on the whole month of December). I just get scared that this is going to snowball into something worse. I need to be thinking more positive thoughts...I can make it through this. I just need to keep doing what I've been doing to keep myself well and continue to work my recovery plan. I'm a little anxious about returning to work on Wednesday. What do I tell everyone? I want to be open, and if there's any environment that's going to be understanding of my situation it's at work as everyone works with people with mental illnesses on a daily basis. I guess I could share what happened without going into detail, maybe just talking about my illness and letting them know I needed some time off. I don't know that it's necessary to tell them all the details - being in the hospital, etc. I just feel like I have so much to do right now, no drive or energy to do it. I think I'm putting undue pressure on myself. I need to ask Jay for help and talk with him about issues when they come up and not letting them fester. Maybe I'll try talking with him. What should I say...or would talking about it right now just exacerbate the situation. I've got tomorrow to talk with him and maybe he'll be more open after getting some of his time and space. I need to talk with him about the TV issue. I'm tired of it taking precedence in our lives and "raising our child." I might suggest trying a couple days where we turn off the tv. I think it would be good for all of us. I also need to confront him about the job issue. I feel like I am giving 100% to try to improve our financial situation and he hasn't done anything. I know he works hard when he's at GC, but when we look at the numbers we need more from him, our family needs more. I just feel like I've been putting forth the effort while he's remained stagnant and unwilling to try to improve our situation. From all my work putting together our grants, to applying for SSDI, to getting back to work. I feel frustrated that I'm putting forth all this effort and he doesn't seem to reciprocate. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think all of this is weighing very heavy on me and that might be part of the reason I'm feeling down. It's hard though, because he was great during this past hospital stay. I know it was really stressful on him, but he made it work...kept the lines of communication open with my parents, was really there for me. When I look back at the past four years, I'm so thankful that's he stood by me through thick and thin. But is that enough? I guess I just expect more and therein lies the rub. He feels that my expectations are too high while I feel that they are fair and no more than I try to put forth into our relationship. There is the sex thing, but I know that I would probably be more interested if we were more emotionally involved. I just feel frustrated today...

Out of the hospital

After a very depressed week which kind of evolved into a full blown crisis over the weekend, I've just been released from the hospital (after five days there). When I look back at all of this, I should've gotten help sooner so it didn't get to this point. I was really stressed and having problems sleeping the whole month of December. Put that in the memo for next time. I have mixed feelings about my stay in the hospital. It definitely helped put the suicidal ideation at rest, and I came home with three good nights of sleep. I had time just to chill out and read some books, do some yoga...just had some respite. I wonder if that was what I needed more than anything? Unfortunately, that's a pretty expensive way to get some respite time and definitely more stressful. I'm feeling a bit anxious right now with my return to "life." It feels a little overwhelming coming back to everything, but I know I just need to pace myself and follow my timeline for recovery. I'm going to try going back to work for two days next week. With the move, I really think I need to be there. I feel so thankful that I am in an understanding and supportive environment. I know this is confusing for Lisa, hard to understand...but I so appreciate her willingness to be flexible and understanding.

My relationship with Jay has kind of changed over this past week. He's been so different this hospital stay. Proactive, caring, and really seems to "get it." He was the one who encouraged me to stick it out until Monday as it would be easier to get in than on the weekend, he stayed up with me and helped me get to sleep. He has been keeping in contact/updating my parents and being responsible about determining Nick's care as well as visits to me in the hospital. It's so confusing because he does things like this and it makes me sit back and look at how fortunate I am to have someone who supports me and stands by me through the really rough times. However, I'm still confused about our relationship. I'm still sticking with my "giving it all I've got" for the next couple months. Hopefully our new marriage counselor is good and has some helpful and different insight into our situation.

It was so hard being apart from Nicholas. It just broke my heart when he was talking to me on the phone and saying "I'll see you soon. Are you coming home later? I miss you and I love you." I just wonder how this will impact him. Now that he is older and seems to remember and process things, I hope that my "going to the hospital" doesn't scare him and make him think that I'll be gone for a long time. I'm so thankful that my parents have been here to have some sleepovers and try to make this time period fun for him instead of scary and lonely. I know it also took some stress off Jay since I'm sure that this month has been really tough between work and me.

I've set some pretty lofty discharge goals:
1) Marital counseling and setting aside quality time to talk with Jay. Talking about issues/feelings when they occur and not letting things fester
2) Returning to the behaviors that were keeping me healthy (eating well, sleeping well, exercising, work/life balance) Certainly having the pressure of the holidays lifted will be helpful in my recovery
3) I think this will be hardest...try to find some friends and outlets other than people I know who are also mentally ill and my parents. I just wish one of my Fearless was close. I'm trying to think of ways to meet new people. Maybe I just need to be brave and ask one of the women from yoga out for tea or something?

I think I need to share these goals with Jay and Jan so they can help me stick to them and put them into action. I also want to put on my PMA...probably the hardest thing of all to do when I'm still feeling a bit off kilter.

I hope to blog more often and let all of this out. I have to remember how good it feels to just take some time to let stuff out.

Moving the Scale

Today I reached a great weight loss milestone...I moved the scale bar...you know, the BIG one! This marks more than 70 pounds of weight loss in a year and three months! I feel so good about myself. Twenty pounds to go and then the breast reduction!! Of course there are all sorts of questions that surround that...especially the "Am I going to have any more children?" one. I really don't want to think about that right now. So I won't. I'm a little frustrated at work right now. I really feel "roped" into our Artifacts event. I feel that my time could be spent better other places and in other ways. If they brought me in to develop individual giving...shouldn't I be working on that instead of the minutia of planning this special event that really doesn't raise a ton of money. Although today, (someone at lunch, I can't remember who) mentioned that maybe it's a GOOD thing that I don't have much information from the past two years to work from. This year the event will truly be fresh and new since I have no idea what the past events have been like. I just hope that my committee steps up to the plate. Feeling better after a rough week last week. I don't know if it was the hormones, stress, or a combination of all things and oh, yeah, the fact that I have a BRAIN DISORDER...that might have something to do with it. It's hard to see how well I've been doing when I get stuck down in that doomy, gloomy place. My parents have been so supportive the past two weeks, with my not feeling well and with helping with Nicholas while he's been sick. I don't know what'd we do without them. I sometimes wish I could be less dependent on them. I've tried to network with other moms, but it just doesn't seem to have worked out. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we don't live in a "neighborhood" so I don't get that sense of community. Although, I'm not sure if it is like when we were growing up and most of the moms stayed home and formed their little communities that way. I tasted life as a SAHM and have decided it's not for me. It's the toughest job in the world! I needed some intellectual stimulation, time with adults, me time. Work provides this for me, plus I feel like I'm giving back and using my talents. Frankly, sometimes I just don't feel that "talented" as a mom. Sometimes I think I hold myself up to unreasonable standards (namely up to my mom). I guess I'm a good mom in my own right...I'm raising Nicholas the best way I know how. Actually, I think going back to work has made me a better mom. I like spending time together with Nicholas more (except in the morning...but let's face it, I don't like doing ANYTHING in the morning). I'm trying to get stuff done around the house, but just don't feel motivated. I talked with J about it yesterday and it was good to get things off my chest. He seems receptive, now lets just see how he follows up on that. I wish J and I just set aside more time to talk. I miss talking with him...but then when we have time to talk, I feel like we don't have a lot to talk about. What did we used to talk about for hours on end? This really is a stream of consciousness...but it feels good to just let some of these thoughts out. Time to go relax...wanted to stop at the library today for a new book, but that didn't happen. Maybe tomorrow. "Tomorrow is another day." :)

Alone?

Sitting this afternoon wondering what life would be like "alone." Lately I've been reflecting and asking myself what life would be like if I were alone as a Mom...yes, the single mom contemplation. It's been a year since J and I separated, and I feel like things have changed a little, but some of the fundamentals have not. He has little drive to do anything about our desperate financial situation even though I've pursued so many avenues to work through this. But I feel like I'm doing it alone. Even though I know he loves N so much, I feel there is so much more he should be doing as a father. For example, today N is sick with the stomach flu. Yes, J did get up with him in the middle of the night...but he hasn't called once to check on him or us. I know he's busy at work, but he does take breaks. Couldn't he take one of his cigarette breaks and call us? I've told him SO many times how much that would mean to me. I just miss communicating with him. We're so stuck in a routine of him coming home, watching me put N to bed, and then tuning out to watch TV. Oh, I forgot the part where he bitches for ten-twenty minutes about the job he hates so much but stays with for God only knows why. They treat him like shit, he's been with the company for almost ten years. He's not compensated fairly, he has to work tough hours - retail hours - that take him away from us so much. He hardly has any time to spend with N. He also isn't taking care of himself, which I guess creates a lot of the problems we're having in our relationship. I mean, if you can't take care of yourself, how can you care for someone else. I am just so frustrated!!! I've been reflecting on what drew me to him in the first place: his sense of humor, his drive and motivation at work, his loving me unconditionally. Now it seems like his sense of humor is so juvenile...I don't understand how some of the things that are so vile, he can think are funny. And then he seems to look critically at me that I don't have a sense of humor anymore because I don't laugh at the "two girls, one cup" video. As for his motivation, I really don't see that anymore. Yes, he goes to work faithfully, is dedicated and I know he works hard. But when he comes home and complains endlessly about how much he doesn't like this or that...when does it make sense to get out of there?? It's not just the financial implications, it's the family implications too. On his days off, he's too exhausted to do anything with us...to spend quality time with N. I know he loves N with all of his heart...but I wish he would SHOW it by taking some interest in his son's life. It seems like he leaves all the parenting to me. For example, today N is sick with the stomach flu. Although J did get up with him last night when he was sick, he hasn't called ONCE today to see how he's doing. I know he's busy...but he certainly has time to take cigarette breaks and sit around and shoot the shit with Carson. Couldn't he make a quick phone call home? I've talked with him about this so many times. I hate feeling like a nag, a repeating record...but I don't know how else I can say it. I'm laying all my cards out on the table, I've laid out my expectations, told him what I need. I just don't know what to do if he can't fulfill those needs. I know part of this is his struggling with depression...but he doesn't seem to want to work at that either. I think he just down right doesn't want to work for anything. So what would life be like alone? I wouldn't want to be completely dependent on my parents - I'd need to build a network of friends for support. However sometimes I think alone would be better than living with this knot in my stomach all the time. So would I be better off alone?