Frustrated

Feeling frustrated...another Sunday and it seems that nothing has changed. Jay slept in until 11:30 and then woke up just wanting to be alone. I understand that he needs his space...but when do I get down time? I wish he would pay more attention to Nicholas. Nicholas just wants him to play, but Jay doesn't seem to have patience to do so. This all is probably magnified because I'm having kind of a rough day today. Just feeling down, can't really pinpoint a reason why. It was hard going back to the hospital to get my meds. Just brought back the memories of what got me there. Hopefully I can get in to see Dr. Li soon so we can try to get all of this straightened out. I don't understand what's going on...how could my meds have been working well for so long and all of the sudden (ok, I guess not suddenly as this has been going on the whole month of December). I just get scared that this is going to snowball into something worse. I need to be thinking more positive thoughts...I can make it through this. I just need to keep doing what I've been doing to keep myself well and continue to work my recovery plan. I'm a little anxious about returning to work on Wednesday. What do I tell everyone? I want to be open, and if there's any environment that's going to be understanding of my situation it's at work as everyone works with people with mental illnesses on a daily basis. I guess I could share what happened without going into detail, maybe just talking about my illness and letting them know I needed some time off. I don't know that it's necessary to tell them all the details - being in the hospital, etc. I just feel like I have so much to do right now, no drive or energy to do it. I think I'm putting undue pressure on myself. I need to ask Jay for help and talk with him about issues when they come up and not letting them fester. Maybe I'll try talking with him. What should I say...or would talking about it right now just exacerbate the situation. I've got tomorrow to talk with him and maybe he'll be more open after getting some of his time and space. I need to talk with him about the TV issue. I'm tired of it taking precedence in our lives and "raising our child." I might suggest trying a couple days where we turn off the tv. I think it would be good for all of us. I also need to confront him about the job issue. I feel like I am giving 100% to try to improve our financial situation and he hasn't done anything. I know he works hard when he's at GC, but when we look at the numbers we need more from him, our family needs more. I just feel like I've been putting forth the effort while he's remained stagnant and unwilling to try to improve our situation. From all my work putting together our grants, to applying for SSDI, to getting back to work. I feel frustrated that I'm putting forth all this effort and he doesn't seem to reciprocate. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think all of this is weighing very heavy on me and that might be part of the reason I'm feeling down. It's hard though, because he was great during this past hospital stay. I know it was really stressful on him, but he made it work...kept the lines of communication open with my parents, was really there for me. When I look back at the past four years, I'm so thankful that's he stood by me through thick and thin. But is that enough? I guess I just expect more and therein lies the rub. He feels that my expectations are too high while I feel that they are fair and no more than I try to put forth into our relationship. There is the sex thing, but I know that I would probably be more interested if we were more emotionally involved. I just feel frustrated today...