Out of the hospital

After a very depressed week which kind of evolved into a full blown crisis over the weekend, I've just been released from the hospital (after five days there). When I look back at all of this, I should've gotten help sooner so it didn't get to this point. I was really stressed and having problems sleeping the whole month of December. Put that in the memo for next time. I have mixed feelings about my stay in the hospital. It definitely helped put the suicidal ideation at rest, and I came home with three good nights of sleep. I had time just to chill out and read some books, do some yoga...just had some respite. I wonder if that was what I needed more than anything? Unfortunately, that's a pretty expensive way to get some respite time and definitely more stressful. I'm feeling a bit anxious right now with my return to "life." It feels a little overwhelming coming back to everything, but I know I just need to pace myself and follow my timeline for recovery. I'm going to try going back to work for two days next week. With the move, I really think I need to be there. I feel so thankful that I am in an understanding and supportive environment. I know this is confusing for Lisa, hard to understand...but I so appreciate her willingness to be flexible and understanding.

My relationship with Jay has kind of changed over this past week. He's been so different this hospital stay. Proactive, caring, and really seems to "get it." He was the one who encouraged me to stick it out until Monday as it would be easier to get in than on the weekend, he stayed up with me and helped me get to sleep. He has been keeping in contact/updating my parents and being responsible about determining Nick's care as well as visits to me in the hospital. It's so confusing because he does things like this and it makes me sit back and look at how fortunate I am to have someone who supports me and stands by me through the really rough times. However, I'm still confused about our relationship. I'm still sticking with my "giving it all I've got" for the next couple months. Hopefully our new marriage counselor is good and has some helpful and different insight into our situation.

It was so hard being apart from Nicholas. It just broke my heart when he was talking to me on the phone and saying "I'll see you soon. Are you coming home later? I miss you and I love you." I just wonder how this will impact him. Now that he is older and seems to remember and process things, I hope that my "going to the hospital" doesn't scare him and make him think that I'll be gone for a long time. I'm so thankful that my parents have been here to have some sleepovers and try to make this time period fun for him instead of scary and lonely. I know it also took some stress off Jay since I'm sure that this month has been really tough between work and me.

I've set some pretty lofty discharge goals:
1) Marital counseling and setting aside quality time to talk with Jay. Talking about issues/feelings when they occur and not letting things fester
2) Returning to the behaviors that were keeping me healthy (eating well, sleeping well, exercising, work/life balance) Certainly having the pressure of the holidays lifted will be helpful in my recovery
3) I think this will be hardest...try to find some friends and outlets other than people I know who are also mentally ill and my parents. I just wish one of my Fearless was close. I'm trying to think of ways to meet new people. Maybe I just need to be brave and ask one of the women from yoga out for tea or something?

I think I need to share these goals with Jay and Jan so they can help me stick to them and put them into action. I also want to put on my PMA...probably the hardest thing of all to do when I'm still feeling a bit off kilter.

I hope to blog more often and let all of this out. I have to remember how good it feels to just take some time to let stuff out.