Alone?

Sitting this afternoon wondering what life would be like "alone." Lately I've been reflecting and asking myself what life would be like if I were alone as a Mom...yes, the single mom contemplation. It's been a year since J and I separated, and I feel like things have changed a little, but some of the fundamentals have not. He has little drive to do anything about our desperate financial situation even though I've pursued so many avenues to work through this. But I feel like I'm doing it alone. Even though I know he loves N so much, I feel there is so much more he should be doing as a father. For example, today N is sick with the stomach flu. Yes, J did get up with him in the middle of the night...but he hasn't called once to check on him or us. I know he's busy at work, but he does take breaks. Couldn't he take one of his cigarette breaks and call us? I've told him SO many times how much that would mean to me. I just miss communicating with him. We're so stuck in a routine of him coming home, watching me put N to bed, and then tuning out to watch TV. Oh, I forgot the part where he bitches for ten-twenty minutes about the job he hates so much but stays with for God only knows why. They treat him like shit, he's been with the company for almost ten years. He's not compensated fairly, he has to work tough hours - retail hours - that take him away from us so much. He hardly has any time to spend with N. He also isn't taking care of himself, which I guess creates a lot of the problems we're having in our relationship. I mean, if you can't take care of yourself, how can you care for someone else. I am just so frustrated!!! I've been reflecting on what drew me to him in the first place: his sense of humor, his drive and motivation at work, his loving me unconditionally. Now it seems like his sense of humor is so juvenile...I don't understand how some of the things that are so vile, he can think are funny. And then he seems to look critically at me that I don't have a sense of humor anymore because I don't laugh at the "two girls, one cup" video. As for his motivation, I really don't see that anymore. Yes, he goes to work faithfully, is dedicated and I know he works hard. But when he comes home and complains endlessly about how much he doesn't like this or that...when does it make sense to get out of there?? It's not just the financial implications, it's the family implications too. On his days off, he's too exhausted to do anything with us...to spend quality time with N. I know he loves N with all of his heart...but I wish he would SHOW it by taking some interest in his son's life. It seems like he leaves all the parenting to me. For example, today N is sick with the stomach flu. Although J did get up with him last night when he was sick, he hasn't called ONCE today to see how he's doing. I know he's busy...but he certainly has time to take cigarette breaks and sit around and shoot the shit with Carson. Couldn't he make a quick phone call home? I've talked with him about this so many times. I hate feeling like a nag, a repeating record...but I don't know how else I can say it. I'm laying all my cards out on the table, I've laid out my expectations, told him what I need. I just don't know what to do if he can't fulfill those needs. I know part of this is his struggling with depression...but he doesn't seem to want to work at that either. I think he just down right doesn't want to work for anything. So what would life be like alone? I wouldn't want to be completely dependent on my parents - I'd need to build a network of friends for support. However sometimes I think alone would be better than living with this knot in my stomach all the time. So would I be better off alone?