Down and Out

Feeling sort of down and out of sorts today. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm trying to do things that normally make me happy, but nothing really seems to capture my attention/make me satisfied. I guess I'm just feeling depressed and I'm tired of it. I wish I could find some joy...

I just want to work on getting better for Nicholas. I want to be the best mom I can be...he deserves it. I guess I'm doing the best I can, I'm trying to take things day by day. I am so thankful that he is in my life. From the way he just randomly says I love you, to the look and smile his eyes give when he's happy. This is such an exciting time in his development, he's learning so much and has so much to share. He is a bright and beautiful boy! He is such a blessing.

I'm really worried about Jay. He just seems so depressed, but unwilling to do anything to change the circumstances. I have had this conversation before, I just don't know what to do about it. I can't do this for him and I've been as supportive and encouraging as possible. I'm worried that he doesn't take care of himself...not eating well, smoking, no exercise. My mom and I were discussing the scary possiblity of his being at risk for diabetes. I wish he would take a look at things and try to make some positive changes. If not for himself, than for us! I kind of feel like a broken record on so much with him, with our relationship. When do I get off the merry go round? At the same time, he stuck by me through my tough times (and continues to stand by me) so shouldn't I be giving him a chance? However, the circumstances of our situations are different. Since day one, I've honestly been doing my best to learn how to live with my illness. I feel like he makes little to no effort. It's so FRUSTRATING! (or as Nicholas would say frust-er-ated)

I really do love him, I'm just not in love with him anymore. I don't feel attracted to him, I feel like he's more of a support/friend than a partner. I've been over and through this so many times, so much. I just wonder if this is what's dragging me down.