Down and Out

Feeling sort of down and out of sorts today. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm trying to do things that normally make me happy, but nothing really seems to capture my attention/make me satisfied. I guess I'm just feeling depressed and I'm tired of it. I wish I could find some joy...

I just want to work on getting better for Nicholas. I want to be the best mom I can be...he deserves it. I guess I'm doing the best I can, I'm trying to take things day by day. I am so thankful that he is in my life. From the way he just randomly says I love you, to the look and smile his eyes give when he's happy. This is such an exciting time in his development, he's learning so much and has so much to share. He is a bright and beautiful boy! He is such a blessing.

I'm really worried about Jay. He just seems so depressed, but unwilling to do anything to change the circumstances. I have had this conversation before, I just don't know what to do about it. I can't do this for him and I've been as supportive and encouraging as possible. I'm worried that he doesn't take care of himself...not eating well, smoking, no exercise. My mom and I were discussing the scary possiblity of his being at risk for diabetes. I wish he would take a look at things and try to make some positive changes. If not for himself, than for us! I kind of feel like a broken record on so much with him, with our relationship. When do I get off the merry go round? At the same time, he stuck by me through my tough times (and continues to stand by me) so shouldn't I be giving him a chance? However, the circumstances of our situations are different. Since day one, I've honestly been doing my best to learn how to live with my illness. I feel like he makes little to no effort. It's so FRUSTRATING! (or as Nicholas would say frust-er-ated)

I really do love him, I'm just not in love with him anymore. I don't feel attracted to him, I feel like he's more of a support/friend than a partner. I've been over and through this so many times, so much. I just wonder if this is what's dragging me down.

Frustrated

Feeling frustrated...another Sunday and it seems that nothing has changed. Jay slept in until 11:30 and then woke up just wanting to be alone. I understand that he needs his space...but when do I get down time? I wish he would pay more attention to Nicholas. Nicholas just wants him to play, but Jay doesn't seem to have patience to do so. This all is probably magnified because I'm having kind of a rough day today. Just feeling down, can't really pinpoint a reason why. It was hard going back to the hospital to get my meds. Just brought back the memories of what got me there. Hopefully I can get in to see Dr. Li soon so we can try to get all of this straightened out. I don't understand what's going on...how could my meds have been working well for so long and all of the sudden (ok, I guess not suddenly as this has been going on the whole month of December). I just get scared that this is going to snowball into something worse. I need to be thinking more positive thoughts...I can make it through this. I just need to keep doing what I've been doing to keep myself well and continue to work my recovery plan. I'm a little anxious about returning to work on Wednesday. What do I tell everyone? I want to be open, and if there's any environment that's going to be understanding of my situation it's at work as everyone works with people with mental illnesses on a daily basis. I guess I could share what happened without going into detail, maybe just talking about my illness and letting them know I needed some time off. I don't know that it's necessary to tell them all the details - being in the hospital, etc. I just feel like I have so much to do right now, no drive or energy to do it. I think I'm putting undue pressure on myself. I need to ask Jay for help and talk with him about issues when they come up and not letting them fester. Maybe I'll try talking with him. What should I say...or would talking about it right now just exacerbate the situation. I've got tomorrow to talk with him and maybe he'll be more open after getting some of his time and space. I need to talk with him about the TV issue. I'm tired of it taking precedence in our lives and "raising our child." I might suggest trying a couple days where we turn off the tv. I think it would be good for all of us. I also need to confront him about the job issue. I feel like I am giving 100% to try to improve our financial situation and he hasn't done anything. I know he works hard when he's at GC, but when we look at the numbers we need more from him, our family needs more. I just feel like I've been putting forth the effort while he's remained stagnant and unwilling to try to improve our situation. From all my work putting together our grants, to applying for SSDI, to getting back to work. I feel frustrated that I'm putting forth all this effort and he doesn't seem to reciprocate. I just don't know what to do anymore. I think all of this is weighing very heavy on me and that might be part of the reason I'm feeling down. It's hard though, because he was great during this past hospital stay. I know it was really stressful on him, but he made it work...kept the lines of communication open with my parents, was really there for me. When I look back at the past four years, I'm so thankful that's he stood by me through thick and thin. But is that enough? I guess I just expect more and therein lies the rub. He feels that my expectations are too high while I feel that they are fair and no more than I try to put forth into our relationship. There is the sex thing, but I know that I would probably be more interested if we were more emotionally involved. I just feel frustrated today...

Out of the hospital

After a very depressed week which kind of evolved into a full blown crisis over the weekend, I've just been released from the hospital (after five days there). When I look back at all of this, I should've gotten help sooner so it didn't get to this point. I was really stressed and having problems sleeping the whole month of December. Put that in the memo for next time. I have mixed feelings about my stay in the hospital. It definitely helped put the suicidal ideation at rest, and I came home with three good nights of sleep. I had time just to chill out and read some books, do some yoga...just had some respite. I wonder if that was what I needed more than anything? Unfortunately, that's a pretty expensive way to get some respite time and definitely more stressful. I'm feeling a bit anxious right now with my return to "life." It feels a little overwhelming coming back to everything, but I know I just need to pace myself and follow my timeline for recovery. I'm going to try going back to work for two days next week. With the move, I really think I need to be there. I feel so thankful that I am in an understanding and supportive environment. I know this is confusing for Lisa, hard to understand...but I so appreciate her willingness to be flexible and understanding.

My relationship with Jay has kind of changed over this past week. He's been so different this hospital stay. Proactive, caring, and really seems to "get it." He was the one who encouraged me to stick it out until Monday as it would be easier to get in than on the weekend, he stayed up with me and helped me get to sleep. He has been keeping in contact/updating my parents and being responsible about determining Nick's care as well as visits to me in the hospital. It's so confusing because he does things like this and it makes me sit back and look at how fortunate I am to have someone who supports me and stands by me through the really rough times. However, I'm still confused about our relationship. I'm still sticking with my "giving it all I've got" for the next couple months. Hopefully our new marriage counselor is good and has some helpful and different insight into our situation.

It was so hard being apart from Nicholas. It just broke my heart when he was talking to me on the phone and saying "I'll see you soon. Are you coming home later? I miss you and I love you." I just wonder how this will impact him. Now that he is older and seems to remember and process things, I hope that my "going to the hospital" doesn't scare him and make him think that I'll be gone for a long time. I'm so thankful that my parents have been here to have some sleepovers and try to make this time period fun for him instead of scary and lonely. I know it also took some stress off Jay since I'm sure that this month has been really tough between work and me.

I've set some pretty lofty discharge goals:
1) Marital counseling and setting aside quality time to talk with Jay. Talking about issues/feelings when they occur and not letting things fester
2) Returning to the behaviors that were keeping me healthy (eating well, sleeping well, exercising, work/life balance) Certainly having the pressure of the holidays lifted will be helpful in my recovery
3) I think this will be hardest...try to find some friends and outlets other than people I know who are also mentally ill and my parents. I just wish one of my Fearless was close. I'm trying to think of ways to meet new people. Maybe I just need to be brave and ask one of the women from yoga out for tea or something?

I think I need to share these goals with Jay and Jan so they can help me stick to them and put them into action. I also want to put on my PMA...probably the hardest thing of all to do when I'm still feeling a bit off kilter.

I hope to blog more often and let all of this out. I have to remember how good it feels to just take some time to let stuff out.