Moving the Scale

Today I reached a great weight loss milestone...I moved the scale bar...you know, the BIG one! This marks more than 70 pounds of weight loss in a year and three months! I feel so good about myself. Twenty pounds to go and then the breast reduction!! Of course there are all sorts of questions that surround that...especially the "Am I going to have any more children?" one. I really don't want to think about that right now. So I won't. I'm a little frustrated at work right now. I really feel "roped" into our Artifacts event. I feel that my time could be spent better other places and in other ways. If they brought me in to develop individual giving...shouldn't I be working on that instead of the minutia of planning this special event that really doesn't raise a ton of money. Although today, (someone at lunch, I can't remember who) mentioned that maybe it's a GOOD thing that I don't have much information from the past two years to work from. This year the event will truly be fresh and new since I have no idea what the past events have been like. I just hope that my committee steps up to the plate. Feeling better after a rough week last week. I don't know if it was the hormones, stress, or a combination of all things and oh, yeah, the fact that I have a BRAIN DISORDER...that might have something to do with it. It's hard to see how well I've been doing when I get stuck down in that doomy, gloomy place. My parents have been so supportive the past two weeks, with my not feeling well and with helping with Nicholas while he's been sick. I don't know what'd we do without them. I sometimes wish I could be less dependent on them. I've tried to network with other moms, but it just doesn't seem to have worked out. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we don't live in a "neighborhood" so I don't get that sense of community. Although, I'm not sure if it is like when we were growing up and most of the moms stayed home and formed their little communities that way. I tasted life as a SAHM and have decided it's not for me. It's the toughest job in the world! I needed some intellectual stimulation, time with adults, me time. Work provides this for me, plus I feel like I'm giving back and using my talents. Frankly, sometimes I just don't feel that "talented" as a mom. Sometimes I think I hold myself up to unreasonable standards (namely up to my mom). I guess I'm a good mom in my own right...I'm raising Nicholas the best way I know how. Actually, I think going back to work has made me a better mom. I like spending time together with Nicholas more (except in the morning...but let's face it, I don't like doing ANYTHING in the morning). I'm trying to get stuff done around the house, but just don't feel motivated. I talked with J about it yesterday and it was good to get things off my chest. He seems receptive, now lets just see how he follows up on that. I wish J and I just set aside more time to talk. I miss talking with him...but then when we have time to talk, I feel like we don't have a lot to talk about. What did we used to talk about for hours on end? This really is a stream of consciousness...but it feels good to just let some of these thoughts out. Time to go relax...wanted to stop at the library today for a new book, but that didn't happen. Maybe tomorrow. "Tomorrow is another day." :)

Alone?

Sitting this afternoon wondering what life would be like "alone." Lately I've been reflecting and asking myself what life would be like if I were alone as a Mom...yes, the single mom contemplation. It's been a year since J and I separated, and I feel like things have changed a little, but some of the fundamentals have not. He has little drive to do anything about our desperate financial situation even though I've pursued so many avenues to work through this. But I feel like I'm doing it alone. Even though I know he loves N so much, I feel there is so much more he should be doing as a father. For example, today N is sick with the stomach flu. Yes, J did get up with him in the middle of the night...but he hasn't called once to check on him or us. I know he's busy at work, but he does take breaks. Couldn't he take one of his cigarette breaks and call us? I've told him SO many times how much that would mean to me. I just miss communicating with him. We're so stuck in a routine of him coming home, watching me put N to bed, and then tuning out to watch TV. Oh, I forgot the part where he bitches for ten-twenty minutes about the job he hates so much but stays with for God only knows why. They treat him like shit, he's been with the company for almost ten years. He's not compensated fairly, he has to work tough hours - retail hours - that take him away from us so much. He hardly has any time to spend with N. He also isn't taking care of himself, which I guess creates a lot of the problems we're having in our relationship. I mean, if you can't take care of yourself, how can you care for someone else. I am just so frustrated!!! I've been reflecting on what drew me to him in the first place: his sense of humor, his drive and motivation at work, his loving me unconditionally. Now it seems like his sense of humor is so juvenile...I don't understand how some of the things that are so vile, he can think are funny. And then he seems to look critically at me that I don't have a sense of humor anymore because I don't laugh at the "two girls, one cup" video. As for his motivation, I really don't see that anymore. Yes, he goes to work faithfully, is dedicated and I know he works hard. But when he comes home and complains endlessly about how much he doesn't like this or that...when does it make sense to get out of there?? It's not just the financial implications, it's the family implications too. On his days off, he's too exhausted to do anything with us...to spend quality time with N. I know he loves N with all of his heart...but I wish he would SHOW it by taking some interest in his son's life. It seems like he leaves all the parenting to me. For example, today N is sick with the stomach flu. Although J did get up with him last night when he was sick, he hasn't called ONCE today to see how he's doing. I know he's busy...but he certainly has time to take cigarette breaks and sit around and shoot the shit with Carson. Couldn't he make a quick phone call home? I've talked with him about this so many times. I hate feeling like a nag, a repeating record...but I don't know how else I can say it. I'm laying all my cards out on the table, I've laid out my expectations, told him what I need. I just don't know what to do if he can't fulfill those needs. I know part of this is his struggling with depression...but he doesn't seem to want to work at that either. I think he just down right doesn't want to work for anything. So what would life be like alone? I wouldn't want to be completely dependent on my parents - I'd need to build a network of friends for support. However sometimes I think alone would be better than living with this knot in my stomach all the time. So would I be better off alone?